we thought you were sober enough for a movie but you took one look at emily blunt and screamed "aw this bitch?!" and passed out 30 seconds later
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
you were sitting on the floor cleaning up your own puke and telling my mom she should hire you as a maid.
definitely just fell out of bed trying to plug in my phone. when did laziness start getting painful?
he had a dikembe mutombo jersey on, was swatting peoples drinks out of their hand and wagging his finger in their face everytime he did it.
Let's have sex soon. Just us!! Its sad that I have to specify.
I ended up with bruises on the back of my knees. Tell me again how I did this?
You know it's been a rough year when your therapist mouth is just wide open. And I didn't even get to the real issue!
Why did you just send me a picture of your dinner?
CAUSE LOOK HOW MUCH SPAGHETTI I'M EATING
I will be there. invited or not. I go where the pancakes go.
I'm gonna take a crap in the portashitter like a civilized human being.
I'm pretty sure I lit a prostitute's cigarette while sharing a pizza with a homeless guy last night
Welp. It's confirmed. There is literally no lube on this entire island. Fuck me. More accurately, don't fuck me.
I just saw a girl on the phone crying and eating a sandwich. Thats talent right there.
She said cowgirls can can pee standing up and proceeded to pull up her dress and drop her underwear.
Randomize
