I hope you had to get up out of bed and walk across your room to check this text message
Literally just as i started to cum the church bells next ot my house began to ring. either it was the most epic timing ever or god was watching and congratulating me
Woke to a half burnt 20 in my pocket, covered in mud, clothes all wet, so im assuming I didn't use that 20 you gave me for a taxi
Oh god the guy I took underwear from at the bar is trying to add me as a friend on facebook now.
by 11 am we'd already been drunk twice. how much lower can you go?
I just hooked up with the same bartender my dad cheated on my mom with in the 90s. Not sure how this makes me feel.
family traditions my good sir
i rearranged my furniture so i could masturbate in the sun. how's that for spring cleaning?
He's drinking on a hospital bracelet, the fuck's your excuse?
Hey babe! Random question. Do you by chance have the pic of my nipples covered with ninja turtles band aids? Thanks.
I found Erin. She's getting a back massage from the coat check boy and drinking all his whiskey.
Are you in a position where you can bring me some nachos?
I am the most hated person in hoboken. Ive been doing drunken cake boss impressions down the street for the past 20 mins.
Would you be opposed to me keeping a live lobster in the shower for a bit?
The car smells like weed is an understatement.
Ohhhhhh, that night......I need to stop drinking, almost all of my conversations that take place Wed thru Sun after 8:30 are one blurry haze.
Randomize
