haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
I just hope my dad was drunk enough to not remember the whole convo we had about anal.
I just found out the guys at work had a bet as to who could sleep with me before i move away.
Who won?
All of them.
I just fired a shotgun out of the back of a truck going 60. i am going to miss oregon.
the best part about watching a meteor shower at 4 am is being able to masturbate in public and drink hot chocolate at the same time.
What do I have to do to get you laid? I talked to that girl with the ugly dog for 45 minutes trying to get you in, and all you said was "Steven Spielberg is my favorite director."
she literally hasn't taken the mardi gras beads off in three days. she showered in them. TWICE.
Despite what happened tonight, Im still expecting Jesus birthday sex
whatever. as long as im no longer referred to as the girl who fucked the pledge on his big brother's couch.
so im sitting outside the gym eating a 20 piece nugget stoned out of my mind, convincing myself this is more productive because im so close to the treadmills.
Don't you realize there's more to life than sex and pizza rolls?
The cops just came to this party I'm at and ate all of our snacks
Dude just crushed our bbq lays and told us to quiet down
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
shit... I double booked my fuck buddies
I woke up under a house in Key West
Randomize
