I'm at the point in my career when i know a sites a trap and isn't real porn
Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
Remind me to never go to the bar with your Asian friends again. I need to be able to read or pronounce what I'm drinking.
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
Currently cooking 3lbs of bacon in case the power goes out bc if even one slice of bacon goes to waste then sandy wins
I just watch that 70s show all day and blaze whenever they do. It's nice being part of the circle
Is she okay?
She may want to issue revenge punches, but medically fine.
We decided to try to steal hot dogs but it ended up with me punching him in the face and crying. Pretty solid night
He drunk texted me what I think is two snails fucking on a mushroom. Is "you sick bastard" too mild a rejection?
Is it okay to get drunk at a baby shower? ....asking for a friend
My husband just came over to kiss me and said, "careful, I got a block of cream cheese in my pocket"
If walking through the neighborhood with a bottle of tequila and margarita mix is postgrad life, I'm okay with it
Somewhere on my work laptop I have a map visualizing all the area codes that Ludacris has ho's
I hope that wasn't done on billed time
I can guarantee that it was
i dunno but you just looked at him said "youre making me really wet" and straight pissed your pants
You made me promise I wouldnt let you play "fuck fuck goose" with a 40 year old ever again.
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