one two three fourrrrnication!
what do you think about when you wanna get rid of a boner?
dying kittens.
my grandma just informed me that patrick swayze used to babysit my dads cousins why wasn't i informed of this early...like when i was obsessed with dirty dancing!
I'm pissed I'm finding this out at 24 bc i could have used this material to make friends
remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
just because you dressed up as a brontosaurus doesn't mean you can poop in my yard and roar at my neighbors
The only thing i was looking forward to on 4th of july was the google logo and they let me down. That and beer, lots and lots of beer
I just pulled a handful of rice out of my pocket.
I'm hoping that banging a 24 year old 3 times cancels out banging that freshman on Wednesday
Taking shots with an iv of fluids in, because I work tomorrow. That's responsibility. Employee of the month right here.
I'm just saying, no one has ever made me laugh or cum as hard as you do. Sometimes at the same time which I didn't know was possible. Is there even a word for that besides love?
There is blood on the door to my room, I have to go to sleep
She was pouring Goldschlager in my mouth during the shower sex. How can you NOT like her?
Pack light, we're going straight to bar from the train. No place to put our shit.
Dude all I'm bringing is my dick and a phone charger.
Bryan's allergic to that cheap detergent, so he's been naked for three days. But we're all used to it now, so the party is still on.
also I have no idea whose underpants I'm wearing right now but they're super comfy and I'm not giving them back ever
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