her voice honestly makes me want to vomit. i have springsteen cranked up all the way.
I'm gonna get drunk and through up on the first happy couple I see.
just found a shoebox labled "emergency smoking box"... it has a lightbulb, 2 potatoes, a dried up flower, and a button that says "stop drop and roll". what did we do last night?!
I can't tell if your life is amazing or needs reevaluation when "did I get hit with a nightstick" is a legitimate question.
I standby a snuggie being perfectly acceptable attire for drunkenly walking your dog at 5am. Our new neighbors did not seem to agree.
I just yelled at a bunch of girl scouts for yelling "cookies" to loudly. That hungover
I would let Bear Grills repel down a waterfall using my dick if I could go to sleep right now.
I have enough bourbon in me to put Justin's cat in the dishwasher.
Stop touching yourself.
Wtf!?!?!?! Did you install a camera???
At one point she whispered in my ear "I overdrew my bank account today" but besides that it was an awesome lap dance
I just saw a guy in a hazmat suit riding a tractor.
I have a guy for practically everything... except for making me waffles on demand. will u be my waffle guy?
we promised ourselves we wouldn't get too drunk, and what happens? I wake up the next morning with half a mcdouble in one pocket and some barbie clothes in the other.
I dont need your sympathy!!!! Just a fifth of vodka and gummy bears...lots and lots of gummy bears to take my agression out on.
your fucking longboard fell on me while we were having sex you fucking hipster
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