Thanks again for letting me crash last nite. Sorry I banged your little brother.
I looked him in the face and asked if we could stop. he asked why. I said "I can't feel it.". ...I feel bad; I should have faked.
i had 75 notifications coming from ur status. here i was thinking i had friends.
I want to get laid tonight but my sheets haven't been washed since vomiting in them on Halloween :(
Pretending to care about her feelings is becoming a full time job
At my internship. I get drug tested tmr at 2
Are they going to pay you for the one day you worked?
They have beer in plastic boots. How am I supposed to resist that?
I just ran up four flights of stairs in heels, im getting an orgasm tonite.
Just so you know, I'm standing in my bra eating cereal. My keys were in the cereal box.
Somehow "stranger danger" turned into making out with a 25 year old on burbon street.
Im sorry that my initial plan of you grabbing his dick didnt work out but Im glad you grabbed his heart
I woke up with a half eaten bag of lettuce in my hand, wearing my Halloween costume from last year. Damn you tequila.
As a Chick-Fil-A employee, I think you'd appreciate the visual of me almost accidentally pulling out my wallet with a thong hooked on it as I payed for my waffle fries just now.
Can we just smoke a few bowls and eat grilled cheese while drunk in our hotdog suits at 9am ?
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
Randomize
