He keeps saying he loves me and ruining perfectly good conversations.
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
my mom found all the used condoms in my bed side table
whatd she say to you?
no words- put them all in a circle, put the bible in the middle
A girl limped into my class 15 minutes late wearing sunglasses, leggings, and a kiss me im irish shirt. She sat down and took her glasses off and im pretty sure she only had one eye's makeup still on. Someone had a great st pattys day.
I woke up with someone else's vomit on my ass. That's how I'm doing today.
Kegger tonight. 10pm. $5 coverfor unlimited booze. Proceeds benefit nuns from Uganda. Bring friends. No shit.
I've been practicing for you. Including stockpiling medical supplies for curing hangovers.
He insisted that I looked like Kiefer Sutherland, told me he didn't know what to do about it, then hugged me awkwardly.
High with mom again. She's giving me relationship advice.
There's a certain feeling that only comes from wearing pearls to hide hickeys
I found out my butt plug has a metal core at the airport security checkpoint...
Do not try to steal a picnic table from a park, all you will end up with are sore arms and broken dreams.
My mom just told me I look like darth vader. how's your night?
this potential sugar daddy just sent me a photo of him butt naked in the woods saying he wants to "grow our spirits together." so i think i found us a new drug dealer!
I threw up in my 8 AM. Morale is low.
Randomize
