I am more sore today than I was after my car wreck. Take it as a compliment that you bang harder than a semi-truck.
4pm on a Sunday....roomate fucking like a wildabeast while I have a organic chemistry study group in my kitchen.
These margaritas aren't just going to regret themselves.
i turned my shower on this morning and passionfruit pulp came out. how did you even do that?
I'm so bored right now i'm literally Googleing all the possible ways to get high with household items as my mom is sitting in front of me..
It's like someone is grabbing my scrodum with pliers and just hanging there.
Why are you awake at 6am and liking photos from rando Russian chicks on Instagram?
I was the oldest, shortest, and soberest at the New Years party last night. My life sucks
Yea...Let's just say I gave her the best 3 and half minutes of her life then she took a 40 minute cab ride home that she paid for...
HE LIVES IN ANOTHER STATE
actually scratch that last text, he's the perfect boyfriend. He stays faithful and doesnt find out about all the guys here. it's a win-win
Looks like a sea otter shaved my vagina. Keep an eye out for me this weekend, no one can see this.
Turns out my mom didn't really want to know I was in a new dimension last night from smoking so much.
You can't say that. Only if you have peed on the side of the highway in daylight while signing Christmas songs can you say that.
Stereotypically, lax bros last the longest, but have huge egos that are annoying. Baseball players barely last 10mins, but are really nice. And than we have soccer players, last long and have no egos. Me and my friends have collected our findings.
I CAN’T BELIEVE YOU STUCK YOUR DICK IN CRAZY!
Randomize
