I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
so he came in me this morning and i was like WTF DUDE. i called him Daddy until he agreed to pay the full $40 for plan B. He wants to name our Patrick because it will be a st pattys day baby. absolutely NOT.
I stole a road cone for their 13 yr old son. Apparently I told him to put Christmas lights on it, and "treat her like a lady."
he turned two sober chicks into 7 drunken girls...he's my hero
That would explain his violent outburst while watching barefoot contessa...
I'm sorry to inform you but your friends with benefits card has expired has the beginning of the year. If you wish to renew your card you must submit a picture of a fully erect penis. Please note that not all request for a FWB card is accepted.
The guy I wanted to make out with just got beat up, let's roll.
He said I was trying to make the bouncer dance with me AS he was throwing me out
look at his last status update. 3:41 a.m. "i love u and miss u already egg burrito. happy trails friend." OF COURSE HE SMOKES POT.
what kind of roommate is she really? she wouldn't even hold my hair back.
I no longer believe that the road to self esteem is through his penis.
I'd help you out but I got Bacardi and Tequila poured down my snorkel last night and I'm still drunk
We were ushered out of Medieval Times by a squire for making out in the torture chamber. Children were present.
Please tell me I made it home with both shoes on
Nope
apparently I got pissed off that no one would let me spray them with a bottle of champagne at midnight of the new year. so I sprayed myself with one shirtless in the near freezing cold outside
Randomize