Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
She was asian and in a relationship... my two weaknesses
Depending on hangover severity. The fact that I can spell severity is in your favor.
A kid in my class brought a George Foreman and cooked food mid lecture. When the prof found out, all the kid did was ask if he wanted some.
just used my nephews bottle to take my birth control
Apparently my downstairs neighbors don't much appreciate it when I do drunk aerobics at 3am on a Wednesday...
I can't in good conscience help you bag a Catholic girl who isn't at least a 7.
You know how there are wrinkles in your brain? What if they were filled with potato chips? That's kind of how my head feels now.
Unless you've also woken up wearing a poncho and a ring pop, I suggest you don't judge me. Okay, I even judged myself for that.
Me and this 7 year old almost finished a large pizza. And when I say me and this 7 year old I really mean me.
They're magnificent. It's like god made her last but hadn't fulfilled his boob quota.
she doesn't even know what year it is. She just stumbles around life with a bottle of rum
I'm standing on the corner in a banana costume and cape with frozen bananas in my utility belt reassessing my life decisions.
Why so philosophical about cake and sex this morning?
If you're doing something that makes your best friend lock you in a bathroom you shouldn't be doing it
Randomize
