new number. flushed my phone last night when i puked, made B help me look for it for 2 hours.
no, he came in my armpit
I forgot how few teeth there are in this state...
I imagine my 13 hours of sleep after my 3 day upper bender was similar to Jesus rising from the dead.
She just took off her shirt and jumped in the kiddie pool. We're not leaving.
That poor kid, I literally invited myself over and took advantage of him.
yea I'm sure he was really upset some drunk girl showed up to fuck him.
Do you have to put it that way?
The fairy wings and cowboy hats were not the issue. The bag of cocaine that I held in the air as we drove in the parade might have been.
3 guesses about who had to still-drunkenly facilitate a fire drill at 2:40am because freshmen can't handle microwave popcorn.
It's like... Even my horoscope knows I had an awkward threesome last night.
Dude I sat in the corner of the party bobbing my head and singing danger zone
The Easter dress struggle is real
Yep. Just had to pull mine off to puke.
He told me that his greatest skill was making White Russians.
How did i get home and why am i wearing someone elses shorts?
1. Not sure how 2. You showed up naked, we had to dress you.
A young (I'm going to guess late middle school age) kid shouted at me from the crosswalk GAS PUMP OF SHAME! I have peaked in life.
According to the office gossip the new secretary is “a homewrecking whore”. Think I should spend $27 on a fake wedding ring?
Yes! Want that picture of you and my nephew?
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