when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
I'm at his house. He has VELCRO shoes. I'm too desperate to leave...I may need help in thee life dept
Hurry. And bring back up. SHE WON'T STOP TALKING.
It felt like getting blasted with a supersoaker filled with vagina juice.
Note to self: You can't deep fry cheese-its.
She just asked me if I was looser "in the vagina" than her. While gyrating.
NEW RULE: can't hook up with more than 50% of the groomsmen in wedding party or it becomes wrong kind of weird. NUMBERS GAME.
Grandma is giving me marriage advice again. On the plus side, she thinks I'm straight now.
i forgot to brush my teeth before I went over so i went to the bathroom and started eating his toothpaste. we're still in the early stages of fuckdom
Oh Jesus. Are you going to the hospital?
No I'm showering then leaving for Vegas
I think I'm gonna cut my hair just so I stop waking up with semen in it
*6am blends another margarita* *615am blends straight tequila*
Do we have to do this party tonight? I'm worried my bed will miss me...
You do it and I'll burn these mermaid pants so help me God.
Like, my vagina is jet-lagged.
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