so i woke up to her 8 year old asking for a bowl of cereal...
my tampon string is in my asshole... do you think i can get it out without anyone noticing?
i'd get off the bar first.
Thank you for leaving pool of vagina on my girlfriends carpet.
So you know how craigslist used to have an "erotica" section? And how after you click on a link it changes a darker color? And how Dad stays up really late most nights?
Oh god... well at least he's gettin some. Mom's a prude.
I'm drinking whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
And then she apologized after the blow job for being too sick to deep throat. I'm in love..
No need to get angry I'm just tryin to get my door back
Yes I hit her with my car. Yes I gave her a ride home. And yes she gave me her number. What's the problem?
Why have her stay eight hours when I only last eight minutes?
were facing impending death from north korea and were sitting here snorting tylenol to get high.....where did our lives go wrong?
I feel like a girl who eats her problems away with fast food.
When all else fails, you can always look down at your enormous penis.
I want an apology pizza with SORRY IM A DOUCHE spelled out on it in pepperoni
Have you ever hotboxed under your comforter? Best. Decision. Ever.
Thinking and hoping ice cream is the answer to my problems
You were painting for six hours and managed one four foot wall. "The Mellow Handyman" isn't a good business model.
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