Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
i effing cant stand that stupid soul the new way to roll hamster commercial. everyone im with is laughing and now hate them all.
does the new i-phone have a pregnancy test app?
well, I yelled "the tribe has spoken!" at a boatload of people and then I walked home alone in the pouring rain at 1:30am. karma really is a bitch, yo.
i was so high i thought the horse on my poster was running
Yeah I'm just gonna shower and drink a gallon of coffee and drunkenly write my research paper. It'll be fine
Bro, if we got a house, it'd basically be a revolving door for slightly overweight, but extra cute, sexually deviant girls with daddy issues.
I'm at the back whiskey bar with a 7 and 7 in a winnie the pooh costume. Come find me.
Sorry for peeing on you and your bed last night.
Haha idk you were stealing pizza dough at dominos
Ran up to the dollar store to get batteries for my vibrator. Happy Valentines Day!
Did you poop on the roof?
WTH?
Is that a no?
What's the protocol for doing tequila shots at a baseball game when you're chaperoning for a church group? You know, hypothetically.
Thank you for always being there for me.
Sorry wrong derek... Do u have any weed?
I wasnt 2 drunk i sobered up around the time we were shooting the fire extinguishers
Randomize
