Just saw a guy doing jumping jacks at the gym. I don't even have to create a punch line for that
Well I put her head right through the headboard. Thank god the room was under her name.
when she started singing "you look better when im drunk" to my cat i realized it was time to take her home
Yes, she gives me platonic blowjobs as part of our friendship.
There are so many things that would come back to haunt me if I ran for President someday.
like that video of you mad stoned vomiting in the bdubs parking lot after going to a pizza buffet screaming how you needed to make room for froyo
Wat
As if finding out the man you just had sex with is married isn't bad enough, it gets so much more awkward when his wife comes in to comfort you...
They are the perfect team. One always has weed, the other always has cigarettes. They're like the Batman and Robin of drugs
Want to go swimsuit shopping? First one who cries buys ice cream.
the reputation of my dick game is on the line. You're killing the team, here, G
Came home to my roommate drinking a 40 in the shower. Chugging with his hair still fully shampoo'd.
There is a video on my phone of me suckling a bag of wine from your crotch area while you say "The Body of Christ" in a Michigan accent. I vaguely remember being offended by this yet I did it anyway.
You know it's time to call it a night when every guy in the bar (all 3 of them) have seen you naked at one time or another.
Because I chose to live vicariously through your uterus and you're letting me down right now.
I tried to fuck you in my bathroom while my parents were in the next room. I am a clusterfuck of fun.
I swear I only fuck him for the huge bottle of smart water he gives me afterwards.
Randomize
