I can't even use my hands i'm so hungover
she was drinking until 3, woke up at 7, shouted 'I'M STILL DRUNK" and went out for a jog in her thong
Witnessing a crazy lady on the bus screaming about how romney is one of the four horsemen of the apocalypse.
Omg this is like trying to sleep on a pile of ballsacks.
NOTHING IN THE WORLD IS GOOD SOFT
NOT ICECREAM NOT DICKS
NOTHING
The stripper told Tom to sort his life out
I dont have to work tomorrow im yelling gibberish at squirrels
I'm sitting on your porch drinking wine from the bottle. Just so your new neighbors know what kind of people are in the neighborhood
I don't like pregnant me. I eat very large burritos, I don't like having sex and I can't even finish a Blue Moon.
As a paramedic, it's completely unacceptable to black out on a monday. I cant handle 3 dollar shot night.
Apparently walking into a national conference and proclaiming "i'm here to fuck shit up" is frowned upon.
Who knew?
Sitting naked, eating lucky charms with rain boots on
sorry i was ignoring you last night i accidentally did a bunch of pcp and thought i was inside tron
He dicked me, fed me creme brulee, and didn’t make a big deal out of me causing a flood to come outta my vagina
Marry him NOW
Idk but when you think about it the last time I did bottomless mimosas I ended up getting my nipples pierced so it might be fair
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