fuck, i never want to drink again I drunk dialed matt last night and broke up with him the second night in a row. FUCK QUADFEST
is 69 when you're sideways or up & down? I was on my back & confused.
and I'm going to name my autobiography "blow jobs with enthusiasm are the best"
I'm naming my autobiography "Reasons Not to Date Girls From Texas."
You know how I know it's Spring Break? I just passed a car with "South Padre bound" shoe polished on the back. The driver was blatantly drinking a roadie and getting road head.
Always thought my first night in jail would consist of fire and a bunny suit.
someday when you wake up in a dumpster we'll have to have this conversation again...
The baby slept soo good last night. Its like he knows the importance of me being intoxicated all weekend.
This has been the most pleasant arrest experience I've ever had.
Breathalizer & tazer party did not go as casually as expected.
he gifted me a vibrator as he was breaking up with me. you tell me how my night went
The only flat surface we had was a cheez it box so we snorted the blow off of that. Rock bottom really isn't that bad.
It's whatever. Titanic is about to be on and we have wine, which is basically crying juice. Leo, Kate, and I will be having a lovely, pants free evening.
I mean, I would have, but I couldn't come up with a logical reason to bring up oral sex during an orientation.
And when were you going to tell me to stop dancing on his coffee table singing "come on irene?"
I just found an entire bag of French fries under the seat of my car labeled "For emergency use only" drunk me is always planning ahead.
Randomize
