Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
Its not drinking alone if you got Tiger on the Wii.
he was going down on me when he saw the warts...nevertheless he told me he had to pick his sister up from school. why does this keep happening to me???
Plus she can make a mean sandwich! That's all I really need. Well that and foot jobs...
this morning i realized i came home with more condoms then i left. burn.
Note: footlong is not the password to the subway wi fi network.. p.s- im super high
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
Sometimes you gotta take the crosseyed stripper. fuck it
Its like he woke the dragon, and the dragon is hungry for a good dick.
Just got to her place. Her parents are here and are high as a kite.
Her father just game me a high 5 as they left the room. Her mom leaned in and said "this is a rebound thing"
I need to be more functional. That doesn't mean I'm going to drink less, I just need to wake up and shit
There is nothing worse then the feeling after you've held in farts all night..
What's his name?
He tried to break dance on the island in the kitchen and ended up knocking over everyone's alcohol onto the floor then yelled "GUCCI" before vomiting
Operation terrify all men while simultaneously make them fall in love with me is going quite swimmingly so far
He did a backflip because drugs
Randomize
