mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
New discovery: conditioner is better for jerking off than baby oil. Fuck yes.
There's a girl at 7-11 apologizing for her behavior and asking if she can get her shoes back.
Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
I just blew my nose and little bits of weed came out.
And then he used the flashlight app to illuminate me giving him head. Thanks IPhone
Cumming on a girls face is guy code for you're not wife material.
My dad told me my only assignment from now til graduation is to not die. it's a legit concern for him.
I don't know what I should tell you tell you. I don't want to encourage you to dye my dog.
Apparently while trying to get up from vomiting in the toilet I grabbed the seat cover for leverage and smashed my own head between it and the bowl. I don't remember this.
I've been here for three hours and I am already feeling sorry for whatever offspring i will indefinitely produce in this place.
I pray for you bro.
The best part of the night was you shouting "I have to take the LSAT tomorrow" between shots of fireball.
I had sex with a boy who lives in a closet, that's like having sex with Harry Potter, right?
I want to ride his face like a jet ski
The lady at the liquor store in my hometown just gave ran around the corner and gave me a hug when I came back from being gone for a couple months. My life is complete.
Randomize
