and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
You totally narrated your dogs thoughts for 2 and a half hours last night, and I was enthralled. I didn't say one word, I just listened.
How long is it safe to eat only Hot Pockets and Popsicles?
I woke up with a new Tiffanys necklace on. I'm such a classy drunk.
All i remember about last night is holding a bottle of bacardi and screaming challenge accepted!
He was the one that got away. From my vagina.
Someone just got pizza delivered to the liquor store.
Drunk wound on my leg hast healed and neither has my dignity
I did all i could do but i woke up smelling like cigars and theres salsa all over my face
Hey I consider Sunday's trip to the ER a success. You're alive and now you know for sure you're not pregnant. I got my highest ever Tetris score. Wins all around.
I can't hang out with this penis. I'll start thinking I like the person it belongs to.
Also so weird my phone cracked after I repeatedly threw it at the ground as hard as possible
I don't get a "my roommate is fucking you" discount?!
so i might have slept on your bathroom floor last night...
Speaking of dumpster fires, your ex tried to add me on Facebook
Randomize
