Fucking hipsters really piss me off man. They are just such punk as bitches, all of them. Oh, and fuck Ed Hardy too.
true best friends attempt to put quarters in each others butts. Thanks for the best birthday ever!
The Mets? Come back? That'd be like Nickelback writing a good song.
What kind of friend are you? You don't even blackout anymore.
just hooked up with an air force officer in a hotel room paid for by the military. i feel like i should go around thanking taxpayers for the assist.
one of my coworkers is shitshow drunk, getting naked. she's about to ride the bull.
i was just going to ask if it would be cool for me to come and have a beer...
it's total chaos here. i may ride the bull... i'll be visible.
let's just say if he has a penis and he hypothetically needs to put it somewhere... i would take care of that for him.
My vagina is not really on board with my "emotional issues"
Bartenders are not toys. I repeat, bartenders are not toys.
Eye surgery went well. Just can't believe it took getting lasers through my eyes to temporarily stop the vivid sex dreams I was having
Want to come over and rub aloe on my tits?
You left your underwear in a sandwich bag on my kitchen counter.
Thirty seconds is a long time in jizz time...
Beard. Chest hair. Job.
The holy trinity.
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
Randomize
