i think i may have caused an international incident at the french embassy, just fyi
hahaha how?
its a long story involving a horse trailer and some shrubbery
I love him more than I love myself. Which is a lot...Because I'm narcissistic.
Maybe my heart is located in my vagina
I was going through my paperwork and I found the lifetime warranty card for my 14" dildo. I saved it. You know, just in case.
I'm drinking carlo rossi straight from the jug. I don't have any clean cups...how am I still at this point in my life...
You called him your tasty little crouton. Which actually wasn't the weirdest part.
sitting in my room in a shopping cart. they couldnt get my legs out of the holes. i want breakfast.
She took the bride and groom figures and the top layer of their cake and tried to walk out of the reception with it in her purse.
I just brushed my teeth. In the car. With watered down Sprite. From Saturday. Multi-tasking at its finest.
I cannot start working out. If I start to look better, I'll ruin ugly women's chances forever. So, really...I'm doing them a favor...think about it.
the guy I've been trying to get with saw my brother's genitals before he saw mine, so that's my life.
A shark bit my leg in the Gulf of Mexico well me and the T were banging so look for it in the papers
He asked when the last time I had sex was. I had to look at the clock and respond "12 hours ago"
I'm a teacher who's always telling kids about the importance of due diligence, yet I'm eating an avocado out of a coffee filter because I'm too lazy to wash dishes
you have 10 seconds to explain why the toilet is full of bread or its ALL GOING ON YOUR BED.
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