i just bought a vibrator and the cashier says "have fun with that." i didnt realise what he said so i responded "you too." and then he gave me his number...
Considering last night's endeavors, I am going to hell 5 times over. 1 for puking on a hobo, 1 for laughing about it, and 3 for remembering it today and laughing about it sober
At one point last night while tipping the bartender you looked at him and said "If I need money later, I'm taking this back"
you're just mad because in the hogwarts world I'm Harry and you're Ron. get over it.
well you haven't lived until you've been 86'ed from a family restaraunt
I have seen more male genitalia at this party tonight than I ever want to see again in my entire life.
my boss made my mugshot into an 'employee of the month' poster.
btw good call for not making out for a pitcher of vodka, this hangover is bad enough
I'don't know who your are but its that time a day. Drunk it up. Did you buy a House for goundhogs days?
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
I may have just flashed my roommate as he walked in while my towel was falling. Now he knows what an American sized penis looks like I suppose
You had your dick do your apologizing for you last night. Apology accepted.
Breaking news: when you're gone every towel is a dick towel
You peed in a public fountain and then felt bad so you put dish soap in it; 4 ft tall bubbles.
LOOK AT HOW SMOOTH THIS BITCH IS
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