i've been called drunk 4 times today and it's only 3pm
Professor used "ROFL" while grading my paper... Do I even go to a real college?
Just tried to tap morse code on the wall seperating our beds to tell you I was awake and ready to smoke
i came out of my blackout when my grandma called last night. it kinda sobered me up and i realized who i had been making out with. should i call and thank her for the defensive cockblock?
We were walking home when he passed out, we left him. Just got a call from him, hes in a jail in Canada.
Why do I feel like I'm not the only one drinking to make my night class teacher look better?
I don't think I own any pants that haven't seen his bedroom floor anymore...
This whole night would have been avoided if the liquor store had air heads
His mom already thought we were lesbians BODY SHOTS WERE JUST NOT AN OPTION SORRY
Omg this is like trying to sleep on a pile of ballsacks.
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
Oh and an honorable mention for your father's porn collection. Things I'll never forget.
6 showers laters and I still feel like I have his vomit in my vagina. At least I could help him figure out he's gay.
Two of the boys I banged while living in that house are about to move into it hahhaaha
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