If my vagina had boots, it would be shaking in them.
We just had the worst moment of our late twenties.... We just realized we are too old for the real world
The only thing that makes me want to stop the affair is that I am the Monica Lewinksy in this triangle.
do you think theyll let us bring mariachis to the strip club?
Next time we throw a party together I would appreciate it if you didn't try to get my friends to hook up with friends of yours you know have herpes
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
Why is my drynk life bleeding into my real life
We are sitting here staring into each others eyes, mutually rubbing forks up and down our respective noses. High as balls doesn't even begin to cover it.
OMG CHARGE YOUR PHONE I NEED TO KNOW IF THIS IS A GOOD PICTURE OF MY ASS
Mmm. Champagne. Weed. 17 pounds of animal crackers.
I tried to be mean but not so mean that he won't bone me next weekend
TYLER OWES ME SO MUCH
I LET A CREEPY MAN I DONT KNOW SUCK ON MY NIPPLES
I woke up with clothes on this morning and I'm pretty sure you had something to do with that. Thank you.
I was really surprised he asked for my number the next morning..... and my name.
I may or may not have spiked my gatorade to get through a game of monopoly with these children.
Randomize
