I just spent the last two hours on the phone with Emily trying to explain to her how to finger herself.
i think he just uses that whole "grew up in a castle" thing to get pussy
I just figured I'd let u know that you bought a yacht on ebay last night
You deserve yourself a blunt and a build a bear.
I am not one to point fingers but since it says your name "wuz here" next to the dick drawn on my stomach I am holding you personally responsible.
Manscaping on you would be like trying to clean up the oil spill with a dixie cup.
something isn't right. i offered to be his sex slave and he declined..
Just read my long term horoscope. I'm not gonna get laid for another 2 years.
We were on the balcony tossing jello shots to people passing below
When people said no i'd yell "i tried them i promise they aren't roofied!"
Getting "I couldn't find the front door so I climbed in through window" drunk seems to be a habit of yours
I fully committed to my astronaut costume, to say the least. blacking out on moonshine and having a moonwalk of shame this morning: happy Halloweekend.
Got hit on by the cable guy. Solid 9. Think Orlando Bloom with a glorious curly mullet.
his penis was like the majestic horn of a unicorn and I came like a million trumpeting rainbows.
Ur betting me $100 that I can't do ur sister?
She made kool-aid with tequila instead of water and rolled a blunt about the size of an Oscar Mayer hot dog. Best blind date I've ever had. I think I will love her tell my dieing day!
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