I'm at the psychiatrist, and this lady is crazy.. she keeps yelling about how her HMO insurance gave her breast cancer? Adderall isn't worth this.
god, you should never be in the FBI. you'd give away america's secrets to any boy who asked.
dude i doubt hes gay
I CAUGHT HIM BEATING OFF TO MENS HEALTH!
i don't know what the guinness world record is for longest time eating nothing but skittles but i'm going on six days
im flying all the way to minnesota to see him for four days... cutest-best-friend-reunion or most-epic-booty-call-ever?
who says it cant be both...
Dude. Hurry up. They just blessed the tequila.
there were staples in my comforter. what kind of sex did we even have?
On 3 separate occasions, she grabbed my bullhorn to announce to the entire party she had fucked me.
I'm in that weird half-dead, half fucked-simultaneously-in-every-orifice-by-a-bus-and-it-wasn't-a-good-time state.
Ok so last thing I remember was hugging a cop while vomiting
like i got into his car and the beatles were playing. this kid is def getting his dick sucked
I'll give you one guess. It has a cock and I want it
Matt is trying to convince me that we have a deal where if I show him my tits he won't do cocaine. Apparently we shook hands on it?
Excuse me I just made a hot pocket without burning down the house, I think i can do anything.
Yeah but now he has a wife. It’s going to be different this year
So what. We’ve banged every Thanksgiving since high school. She just has to understand it’s a holiday tradition
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