these burps are starting to have way more vomit in them,
her underwear stopped being sexy when i saw her pubes sticking out of the top.
It's been five and a half years since she and my brother stopped dating. I feel like that's a long enough grace period. Going for it.
Law school is ruining my masturbation schedule.
now that im off birth control, the world is a much scarier place
high in an attic. pig roast in 10.
Legit I think I might have gotten hepatitis C from licking the window of that last cab.
figured you should hear this from me. Your refrigerator door is way broken. I opened it last night when i was drunk and tried to climb the shelves. i got to the one with the mustard.
When a man can't even pay attention to you when you're telling him about how big his penis is, there's something wrong
I just got breakfast in bed and he went down on me. And you though he was a bad idea. Shame
I can feel my teeth in 4 dimensions. I shouldnt be this high at 8 in the morning.
You called me into the kitchen so you could show me that you were peeing in the kitchen sink and then told me to leave bc you couldn't do it with me watching
Would you be so kind as to inform your husband that my truck is forever cursed by mashed potatoes and it's his fault.
Annoying and petty is the name of the game and I'm the MVP.
Man I just realized that my only life problem right now is that I have to convince myself not to fuck a 19-y-o
Randomize
