you said youd get me home safely, you dropped me off at 9:30 last night and i just woke up on my porch.
This guy told us that for a dollar and two cigarettes he'd let Megan stomp on his crotch. We were gonna refuse, but we figured someone had to keep him from passing his stupid genes along.
so i completely puked my brains out. a lot. he held me up so i could brush my teeth. then we proceeded to hook up for the next four hours.
he's a keeper
I closed that bar. Sang every Beatles song in the book. Made Somoan friends.
I woke up on a futon with 2 stolen budwiesers in my purse, 5 extra bucks, a sucker stuck to my shoe, one sock, and a stolen copy of the zombie survival guide
please tell me this is not legit
This might sound awkward, but can I borrow a dildo for class?
Yeah he gave the rest of the brownies to the bouncer that took his fake
My right arm is handcuffed to my leg... Please help.
For the record, chili cheese fritos are not a chaser.
I have your shoes, your bike, and someones blue underwear. Round 2 tonight?
The nurse who basically saved my life just came into the store. Didn't recognize her. Awwwwkward.
can't blv i tried using a "backpack" as a unit of measurement...i drank a lot of beer last night
Happiness is having a 12 hour day thinking that there are only 2 beers in the fridge when you get home, but then finding 8. Fuck you Monday, this week I won.
This isn't good. I can't find my mom. This is why we don't give her Fireball.
it’s not easy to sexualize brunch. work with me, babe.
Randomize
