two more shots til everyone in this club gets to see my cesarean scars.
I just mixed tequila and nyquil in front of dad. hes making ambulance jokes but let me tell you its DELICIOUSSS
sitting in class between the roommates of the two girls i fucked over break. this feels like a bad version of wife swap
I need to stop fucking people before I get to know them
I showed remarkable dignity in such a compromising situation. Except I came off as sort of a blue ball giver.
he said i was so drunk that i shared a urinal with him and we simultainiously peed
sarah just described his penis as "like bong-girth." I'm gunna go for it.
Sprained my ankle at sky zone REST ICE COMPRESSION ELEVATION AND SHOTS it'll all feel better soon
I really just want to stuff him in my purse, take him home, feed him pudding or applesauce and brush his hair. That's not creepy, right?
The maintenance guy says happy birthday. Also, he likes your penis balloon.
Is this the guy that did shots off my ass at the beach? Haha
At leat we can cross off 'having sex in a classroom' on our bucket list.
How the hell do you misplace a bag of tacos in a closet?
Also I feel like death. But like. In a good way
So help me God.... if he sends me a dick pic.... I will make it so he has to eat food through a tube in his nose and poop into a bag by his belly button
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