I wish you wouldn't refer to your breast milk as "ammunition"
took acid and went on safebus. all the lights were off except the adds. swear to god it was a submarine
Sitting at a bar next to a guy wearing sunglasses drinking a pitcher by himself and having an argument with himself over if journey is more ballin than kiss. Feel better about myself.
It was like the perfect storm of bad decisions.
I'm watching him slurp a whole mango out of her hand. It's disturbingly arousing.
I distinctly remember calling the anesthesiologist a "sneaky little bastard" directly to his face
gorilla chasing a banana on crotch rockets. Halloween is getting way too real
He sent me a 7 minute voicemail of him playing wonderwall on the acoustic guitar I'm not even kidding did he seriously think that would work
"Like what guy would respond to 'let's fuck. I've got bagels'??"
He tried to buy me a drink at dollar beer night. All 3 of his credit cards were declined, so he asked me if I could cover it. Needless to say, I'm not calling him back.
I literally can not watch Thor without thinking of your dick
It's now officially the Christmas season, so I have no shame in drinking evernog.
What are you doing tomorrow?
Dude its my bday. Im drinking from sunup til face down. Rinse and repeat.
Drunk me is having trouble keeping up with sober me's standards
You kept crying and I couldnt help but laugh at you, I was really high though.
Randomize
