you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
You should just wear a sign that says "I like cheap Chinese food and anal"
I like taco bell too
you just kept yelling NO BUENO SENOR at the cashier and throwing coins at him, of course you were going to get kicked out of the grocery store
he described going down on me as being like 'entering a jungle of deliciousness and fur
You can't be mad because the taco bell people like me and not you. I'm not the one that puked in front of them.
Apparently blowing a .28 for a cop and then kissing her on the mouth is technically assaulting a police officer. Who knew.
Give him a trash can and a welcome home balloon, he will be good.
ripping the fire alarm off the wall probably seemed like a better idea last night than it really was.
I distinctly remember holding up a piece of ham pizza and screaming: "WHO THE FUCK EATS HAM PIZZA" in the face of a bunch of scared 13 year old girls faces, while my own sister laughed in mine.
Who replies to a drunk text at 6am that's like against the rules of being a designated drunk text receiver
Client visitor days are the worst. If I have to wear a tie and can be hungover at least have the decency to find some more attractive visitors
I will expect an hourly check text to confirm you are alive and that you aren't dead in a ditch somewhere with a hobo dry humping your corpse
At this point it's more of an experiment to see how much actual bush growth is possible. See, being single can be both educational and surprisingly comfy!
I figured you were on something. You're way too happy right now to be sober
She sent a group text pic called "Assemble" of his dick next to her forearm.
I'm down.
Randomize
