So I was talking to her on the phone last night and had to mute it so I could take a crap.
Side Note: My mute button doesn't work.
Afterwards she curled up in my dog's bed and slept there all night
How mad was your dog?
In Denver there are more bars per capita than any other city also the healthiest city. That means lots of drunk girls and no fatties.
There I was staring at a teeny weeny black one and a huge white one. It was like an episode of Myth Busters
Take this only to mean that we love you, but we're having a serious, half-hour, hypothetical discussion about how far we think we could throw you.
donating our bodies to science does not justify what were doing to them.
Attempted to dodge my boyfriends cum last night and ended up falling off the bed and getting the worlds most painful charlie horse. fuck my life.
also Jesus you really need to change your diet. I just washed your baby gravy out of my hair and it's so acidic my hair is damaged. You have killer sperm
I'll text you later. I think she thinks we're taking this whole "no sex" thing seriously.
Idk how much vodka is on these pants but I'm gonna wear them anyway: the biopic
There is an unwrapped tampon, a condom, a rubber chicken and a slim Jim currently sitting on our dining room table.
I feel like we'd have a lot of fun being drunk at a dog show.
Had a dream last night that we survived the apocalypse. And we celebrated Christmas.
What did I get you?
A 12 gauge and a bottle of vodka that was waist high.
Sounds about right
Dude you were so wasted you thought a fake electric candle was real and tried to light your cig with it. Multiple times.
No I don't. You owe me sex and cinnamon rolls.
Randomize
