I hate thxgiving break now because that totally means I'm not able to have sex for a week.
I imagine my 13 hours of sleep after my 3 day upper bender was similar to Jesus rising from the dead.
they're mlb prospects.. of course i'm gonna bang one of them.
I'm not an expert but calling her the "hot lesbian" isn't going to coerce her into a 3some with you
When boys buy condoms it makes me feel proud of their mothers for doing a good job
This is the second time in a week I've woken up with your bra in my bed and I've had to sit and think about how it happened.
I was in the bathroom puking up mountains of tequila and when he came to help me, I held the door shut and kept yelling at him to let me be a lady.
Stories of my weekends have cause divorces, are you sure you wanna hang out?
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
My uterus feels like it went 8 rounds with Mike Tyson. And that was only a quickie.
I love that you'd blow off your high school reunion to get shit faced in an aquarium with us
Um. We all know how I feel about sea life
there are not enough nopes in the world for that situation.
Thanks for making me a drunk burrito last night and cutting it into bite size pieces, I always knew you were a keeper.
I dont need your sympathy!!!! Just a fifth of vodka and gummy bears...lots and lots of gummy bears to take my agression out on.
I just washed down my antidepressant with some pineapple wine. I'm the picture of mental health this holiday season
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