there are definitely too many half naked pictures of me out there for me to ever be famous.
Kelly Kapowski is pregnant and it's not Zach Morris'. I no longer believe in true love.
After seeing how much you are able to funnel in a night, I am 90% sure your blood is pure gin.
I WAS a history major. I also WAS a functioning human being. Fuck gin.
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
Blow job season was short but glorious.
its like a catch 22, sucks that you've stopped, but its like a vagina high five
I have bits of ceiling fan all over now
Believe me honey Imma fuck the discount out of at least one plastic surgeon in my life
I stopped him mid keg stand to show him how cute my bra was...
That awkward moment when you are on your way to ICU and the only sympathy gift you can think of is beer and whiskey
I heard you ran into my sister lastnight. Do you remember making out with her and slapping my uncle?
And then you screamed, "I JUST WANNA POUR MAPLE SYRUP ALL OVER HIM AND RAVISH HIS BODY!!"
I passed up getting laid last night. It's almost been a YEAR - what the Hell was I thinking, being so choosy??
so i went over to her house and we played crash bandicoot, ate calzones, and had sex all day. im in love.
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