Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
OMG Im so trashed fishy! im sitting hereon my bed wif mcdonalds n i look like david hasselhoff!!!!!! kill me now
So, it's like build-a-bear for your vag?
Waking and baking in my bathtub. In a giant sweater. And no pants. This is going to be the best 420 ever.
she tried strangling devon with the garden hose. pretty sure they're broken up
want to meet me after class and possibly get arrested for indecent exposure?
I knew you would eventually ask my secret. Pedialite mix drinks. Works wonders.
While I'm on hiatus from the Russian potato nectar, it is my wish for others to enjoy it in my stead.
My vagina feels like it's been kissed by angels.
This is the Taco Bell dump we've all been waiting for.
Someone put a huge skyy vodka bottle in our washing machine. My roommate didn't see it and ran it. The washing machine split in two. #life
His name was toto. That should have been my red flag
Girls - I think I have a problem with stealing random shit when I'm drunk.
I'm just now realizing I've slept with guys from three different decades over the past year. That's gotta be some sort of record.
Have you considered murder?
Other than my credit score and this bowl of oatmeal, not really. It's very messy
Randomize
