I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
Who is John, and why is his named carved into our toilet?
had to check his id this morning to remember his name.... i was wayy off
Don't park in the garage. I installed a stripper pole while drunk and it's kinda in the way
Imagine the time you most wanted to kill yourself. Now add a room full of jail bait and no booze. Multiply that by a million.
The girl behind me in psych just tapped me on my shoulder to tell me there was a condom wrapper in my hood.
The fact that I pulled something plastic out of my mouth after taking that shot is starting to concern me.
the laptop wouldn't balance on his lap. that's how well endowed he is.
Things i learned at work today: do not put mayonaise on a tattoo, it will get infected.
Dude just pulled his dick out and started stroking it and making s sound like cocking a shotgun....wtf was in those e pills
Why is the clock ticking so loud? Now I know how Captain Hook feels.
And I just want you to know I got myself into this mess. I gotta get myself out. Plus, don't you only need one kidney?
I need a nap, Harry Potter movies, and dick in this exact order after work.
Girl you're stalking so hard you're gonna know both their social security numbers soon
I figure I since I made out with him that I at least had to save his number in my phone.
Randomize
