i tried to light my apt on fire. reasons why drunks and women should not cook
I justed realized that the word 'turd" is present in saturday
His moose knuckle keeps winkin at me
He's married, but his wife isn't my neighbor so I don't feel bad about coveting him.
Apparently I called 911 everytime Sean Kingston told me to
She asked me how I live with myself. I told her one night at a time.
it's ok. you also told me I can feel free to vomit on your blow dryer sometime.
normally i would apologize for my drunk texting but even sober me agrees.
You were laying in bed whispering and crying to the half eaten burrito saying "why am I shitting so much" and "what did I do to deserve this"
I'm stoned entirely off resin. Licking my blankets. Merry Christmas. Jesus died for our sins. Yay Jesus. I love you.
I NEED ANOTHER LEVEL OF CAPS TO EXPRESS TO YOU THE MAGNITUDE OF MY FADDEDNESS
Hey. There is naked girl with "plz don't touch her. She just turned 21" sharpied on her chest. What happened last night?
Everyone here knows me as 'that chick who will most likely steal your girlfriend'. My 99% success rate tells me this name is acceptable.
Sorry, that was mean and I didn't mean it. I'm just mad at condoms
Celebrated Veteran's Day by getting a Marine (who just got back from deployment in the middle east) drunk and laid for the first time in 6 months. #Murica
Randomize
