how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
just told my prof that "i dont give a fuck" about the final. nothing like a having a signed employment contract already
I just asked the dr if it was herpes while wearing my shirt from the strip club...
I told you to stay away from the strippers in Oklahoma
Now there are two cop cars. If I go to jail I just would like to thank you for making me wear boxers.
I had a guy present me his prison release form this morning as id
took adderall before wrapping presents, ended up making paper snowflakes for two hours
I woke up with a piece of pizza duct taped too my hand and a paragraph written on my chest. Good night is say
He's worked out some sort of arangment where all three of them are dating each other and they've all moved into an apt. with two king beds pushed together
A true beacon of hope in these dark times
if all that ever happens for the rest of forever is drinking wine and eating popcorn, ill be okay
I got a thank you card in the mail from the virgin i slept with on the camping trip. Weird or the new classy?
I woke up on the dog bed, bottle of alcohol still in hand and my thong was hanging off the family portrait.... Yikes
It's like you know you got fucjed up when you wake up and check fir your own pulse
It was an entirely appropriate time and place for sexual thoughts.
That doesn't make it ok to play by play me your honeymoon!
I need to take my iPad to the Apple store (when this is all over). Do I need to delete all my dick pics/videos or are they used to stumbling across that sort of thing?
Randomize
