That poor girl was naked and had to be at a job interview in an hour
He tried to make eye contact, he should know by now that freaks me out
I didn't plan on sleeping with him until he told me his mom is deaf.. Then I felt bad.
Dude you took some guys glasses off his face and ran out of the bar
Just saw a guy I fucked in a clown suit in the bar. It's not Halloween. I have got to start making better life decisions.
From the same High Brittany who brought you such thoughts as, "Fuck, am I wearing shoes?" Comes High Brittany on a date! Stay tuned. This will be interesting.
Tomorrow after you go to the library to look up gay porn, I'm going to come to your apartment to paint a nude portrait of you. Get pumped, plopernickle.
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. It doesn't matter what it's about. Last text was about a homeless dude
Woke up this morning with girl, I ask her for some gum. She says "there's a guest toothbrush for the boys in my bathroom". I can't decide whats worse, that she has a shack brush or that I actually used it
NOT ALL OF US HAVE THE HANDS OF GODDAMN ANGELS YOU KNOW
I'm a terrible person when I drink. I went from fine to not making any sense and yelling about cheese in like 30 seconds.
Dude, you ever snap awake on the toilet at work with that panicked, "How long have I been here?!" feeling??
I'm drunk but I just ate 2 heads of broccoli so does that mean it evens out?
Yes absolutlely
Looks like taco salad for lunch. I may have died and gone to be better circle in hell than I thought.
Let’s be real here. NOTHING says Real Adulting like rolling a J on your line of credit paperwork.
Randomize
