Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
dear life, i get it, drinking is not a contest
he told me he wanted to get "words" tattooed on his penis so he could say hes always putting words in my mouth..
i just did the math...im a product of my mothers birthday sex
you know, even black out drunk I can always remember the exact point where I should have stopped drinking.
We got a Christmas tree, decorated it to surprise his wife And kids who were out of town for her father's funeral, then fucked like rabbits on their new mattress before he had to pick them up at the airport.
She only remembers me when she's drunk. It's like I'm a suppressed memory that only surfaces with alcohol.
As a general rule, drunkenness and gymnastics do not mix.
My dog just threw up a condom. Sorry for accusing you of not wearing one, I found it now.
I guess she was just worried I'd end up sleeping with you again
It's not too late to disappoint her you know...
She swallowed the key to the cuffs, I've been having to explain the pink fuzz all morning.
Dude, you can't drink while watching Star Trek. You hardly understand it sober.
It's an alien shaped cup though. i think that'll help me absorb.
Morning fuck and a coffee. ARE YOU READY TO CONQUER THE GALAXY WITH ME??
So here I am, sexting at work.
QUIT STEALING MY PHONE AND SEXTING MY MOM!!!!
Randomize