Do you ever think that bumblebee is the gay transformer?
Every day of my life.
I just recorded courtney puking and set it as my ringtone.
we were watching porn and trying to copy the position they were doing now i think my hip is dislocated
So...i'm having a drinking contest, my right hand vs my left, i have a feeling the 24 pack is gonna win
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
I have bruises all over from falling so much last night, I even have bruises on my arms from them picking me up off the street.. Oh vodka nights.
I'm laying in bed with a case of beer,.. That's how this break up is going..
Your dad just texted me? He said I needed to holler at him when I get up tomorrow. I honestly thought you had somehow gone to jail.
I'm just a little drunk right now and I have to work at 3
Omg sara
I ran out of milk and it's hot and I was thirsty
if i can hear my landlord's phone ring you think be can hear my vibrator?
My brother really should've known better than to make me go egg hunting with his daughter when I was entirely too drunk to do so. Threw up in a plant in front of her.
My vagina is no longer accepting new clients.
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
I legit feel like I had sex with Joey Fatone. Is that weird?
Hey, um, after thinking about it, I decided I really don't want to use applying olive oil to your ass for your fissure as part of foreplay because... well... really? Just read that again.
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