He threw up over the balcony and blamed it on an invisible garden gnome.
it was like getting a handjob from robocop
then he tried to tell me how many times he had seen Scott's dick. his estimate was about 180 times. he thought I didn't understand.
I'm sorry I can't get drinks with you. I have to make sure my dad doesn't go to jail.
I said:" get your jacket, get your beer and get the fuck out of here"
Firing someone with a rhyme is the new high point in my life.
I swear to god if he wasnt on the fourth floor balcony and I wasn't to drunk to climb I would kill him
If you hook up with a kid and the next day he breaks up with his girlfriend, those can be seen as two completely unrelated incidents right?!
Finally another gay clarinet player. They're surprisingly rare.
My night was too much. My morning is even more. Help. I need to teleport the fuck out of here.
She's like the Jonah Hill of sorority sisters.
I have bits of ceiling fan all over now
I’M PUT OFF FROM FOOD RN BC EARLIER I GOT SOME WATER AND I WAS 4 SIPS IN WHEN I NOticed A FUCKING BURGER KING F R Y IN MY D R I N K
I just saw a guy in a zippo shirt buy 2 gallons of fire starter fluid and then proceed to smoke a cigarette. I feel like hes got some big plans for his tuesday.
Of course his biggest mistake was assuming that I ever gave a fuck to begin with.
I am a unicorn in a field of flowers, you asshole.
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