watching a tv show about cocaine.. just explained to my mom why the test monkey chose coke over food
Yeah, you spent an hour in front of the mirror trying to reenact the Sailor Moon theme song.
I had my first sober conversation with his roommate. I remembered half way through that the first time we met I was getting fucked on his counter
This is all my moms fault. She shouldn't have encouraged my weird fascinations as a child
One good thing about being a mom now, I can tell which guys I'm dating were breastfed and which weren't... By the way they latch on to my breast during sex! Kinda kills the mood.
Winner winner, chicken dinner. I am the sole survivor of the orgy without strep. Or maybe I was the carrier?
He called me piss drunk at 7:30pm while cooking bacon and said he was going to bed. I don't think he's taking it well.
I CAN FEEL MY HEART BEATING MY WHOLE BODY
Well his dad is my dentist so they've both been in my mouth.
I JUST GOT WOKEN UP TO HIM PISSING ON ME SAYING "IT HAS TO HAVE WATER TO GO TO THE BATHROOM" AND AFTER HE FINISHED HE DIDNT REMEMBER DOING IT
I need a hoe opinion
go on
I should have known when she said it would be "fun" we'd end up in the hospital
CyberMonday=Bulk Condom Shopping For 2018
I walked in on a circlejerk after punching that guy out. Instant karma.
Sorry, i'm on a strict diet of vodka and regret
Randomize
