I though she ruined it by crying, then I realized it wasn’t a tear, it was my great aim. It turned out to be beautiful.
last night he was wasted watching Entourage and changed everyone in his phone book to LLOYD!!!!
Why are my keys in the refrigerator?
You said "This is gonna really confuse me tomorrow." Apparently drunk you plays pranks on hungover you.
This explains so much.
the cop didnt laugh with me when he patted me down and pulled out my flask.
Seriously, in what other class can the final major discussion be what bar you're going to with your prof?
i looked up and she was looking over the stall watching me pee and told me to unlock the door. that dedicated to sucking my dick.
He came into your room last night to tell me he was leaving, when I woke up this morning he was facedown in your hallway. He didn't make it very far.
I didn't just randomly come up with it. But if you want to give me extra credit for creativity I have a bare chest and chocolate sauce left
That shot was terrible
You were like one of those guys at carnivals that spit out fire..... Except it was throw up
New Mean Girls drinking game: Everytime someone says Africa or Math, chug.
Do you think dominoes pizza would deliver faster if I told them I just had shower sex and that always makes me hungry?
I saw seagulls fucking earlier today. What have you done with your life recently?
girls shouldnt black out with american flag bandaids on their nips
Happiness is laying in bed, topless, pouring 4 packs of hot sauce on your taco bell.
Then you screamed in her face to shut up about thick thighs saving lives because actually they can suffocate people during oral sex
Drunk me is very safety conscious And apparently just as annoyed by her as sober me
Randomize
