I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!"
i'm so bored i'm watching porn for fun. not even jacking off or anything. just watching.
what if cement was really a rainbow color they just secretly paint it grey so as not to distract drivers
are you high?
I couldn't even finish, she was lounder and more annoying than DJ Khaled
also I just used a straw to drink the juice out of a tomato b/c I forgot how to bite.
NO YOU'RE NOT. I don't want to hear that SHIT. Jameson appreciation day part 1 is saturday and YOU WILL BE READY.
I will not fill you in on the details until we get back, so do not ask. I got peed on by the girl I was hooking up with last night.
Dude you ate toast sprawled out on my kitchen floor and said "this is comfy". No more day drinking.
Unless your apartment has 3 am pancakes Im not coming over.
I have bite marks all over my ass. Is that an acceptable excuse for missing class?
Why were you naked on your bathroom floor?
It was a "get entirely naked to take a shit" kind of blackout I think.
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
I'm just letting you know right now in advance that if I die or go to the hospital or end up in jail tonight it's because your kid sold me mushrooms.
i just found a pair of your underwear stuffed behind my harry potter books...was that on purpose?
haha no, it was majik
He jerked off some dude with a slice of Wonder Bread.
The sports guy?
Yeah. They claimed the bread made it hetero
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