Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
i left the bar a little after you and ended up flipping my car in the arbys drive thru
Package from mother. Contents: Cookies, my old pokemon cards, and condoms. Note: "These have a July 2010 expiration date so give them away or use them with a gal that would be a great daughter in law. Love Mom" Love you too momma
I wanna thank you for having such slutty friends growing up. Your a great little sister
He offered me a ride home but i walked. He lives by an elementary school so a 10 yr old safety officer helped me across the street during my walk of shame
Her boyfriend was wrestling another girl. But, she said she was okay with it because she kept checking for boners--w the back of her hand like she was checking for a fever
Hey, can you come over and kill me real quick
I just set a bowl of cap n crunch on fire. That high.
Whatever, I used my iphone to send an Escalade to pick up a booty call last week. For free. It is futuristic as fuck out here.
I will feed you tacos. I will touch your butt. Happy Valentine's Day ❤️
I used your vibrator when you were out of town. Now I know why you always come out of your room smiling.
Saw a thong on the yellow lines of the street when I left this morning, are they yours by any chance?
I woke up in a limo in long Island, Ny this morning. Talk about a black out
Public service announcement: Just bc it is Margarita Monday does NOT mean your stomach will readily accept that much alcohol. There IS a reason it isn't called Magical Monday. On that note, better luck on Tequila Tuesday.
I could be writing so much lesbian porn right now but noooooo!
Randomize
