I wanna get so fucked up that I try to catch a coyote in a pillowcase, breakdance fight a lion, and send back some toast at Denny's when I see its slightly burnt.
He ate me out. It was like watching him trying to win a pie eating contest
why the fuck does my google maps say i'm in punjab?!?!? u think it has to do with like...outsourcing?
I woke up and my clothes were soaked in the shower and I was wearing a Ghostbusters uniform. I'm shocked she hasn't left me yet.
i don't remember but I assumed it was bad when I woke up with directions from his house to mine already pulled up on my phone
if women knew the size of my dick, theyd be much more receptive to my sloppy drunken advances
i have wind burn on my face from my head hanging out the window of the cab vomitting
I really hope you aren't where I think you are. Dude she has a MUSTACHE. You need Jesus..
Level of drunkenness: just now when I sat down on the toilet, I had to double check to make sure I wasn't sitting on somebody's lap.
im afraid if i stop breathing i will turn into a porcupine
A small child is toddling around the store, holding a coloring book and a shot glass. Thinking of you.
I believe its time to stop celebrating Thanksgiving. I've been drunk for over a week. If my liver doesn't give out, and I'm not pregnant I will truly have something to be thankful for.
I'm trying to make sure he doesn't drown in the toilet. Because I'm a nice lady.
Dude, I'm telling you, date younger. He brought pizza, made me squirt twice, and then left to immediately go to brunch with his mom.
It was a blast. I was going to say that throwing up in the airport bathroom wasn't classy, but it's classier than quietly puking into a fast food cup while in your seat during takeoff...
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