Will you blow on my dice?
Woke up with a treasure map of my room stuck with sticky tape to my ceiling. followed it and found $75 with a note saying; "eat this if we're invaded"... I'm never getting stoned again
He is offering to pay me back by sending me a dick pic.
.......................................
My thoughts exactly.
whatever happens this semester dont let me be that girl yacking in the urinal. again.
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
On monday, while we were having crazy monkey sex, I earned $82. Vacation pay rocks.
I woke up with hair in my teeth and half his beard was missing.
i came home to her naked eating chilli on the living room floor. Stop giving her jager.
My brain is like scrambled eggs. If scrambled eggs were trying to escape out of my skull through my forehead.
My night ended with a French cab driver offering me his sperm free of cost.
I bought a vibrating wall dildo with my tax return. You?
The highlight of my night will be digging in other people's garbage
It was bad. U were calling my cat "kittiano" and playing her like a piano. Way too drunk my friend.
After we finish having sex, he smokes an honest to God pipe. It's like fucking a big, sexy Sherlock Holmes...
I honestly have no desire to wear clothes around you
I have that affect on people
Randomize
