I should have bought two bottles, she left before I could feel her tits...
Someone wrote that you're a whore in one of the bathroom stalls
I didn't know I was popular enough to be hated. This is awesome
Are you for fucking real.? He divorced me just because he got a fucking girlfriend.?!
I'm going to have to call in sick tomorrow. After this weekend, there's no way I can handle hearing the accountants talk about double entry without puking.
if i find out your the one who pierced my belly button im going to fuck your sister again
You have to come over we all bought drinking hats. Mine has a turtle on it. Side note: somehow someone got their hands on 50 candied apples and we need to eat them...
By the taste of his semen he isnt vegetarian and therefore lied to me to take me home on a brighter note i stole his fondue set
So you're on like a list there now..."Do not under any circumstances give this person a knife. Serve them in plastic cups ONLY"
I told him I had an IUD and he asked me how was a bomb a form of birth control..
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
True strength comes from lack of pants
He just showed up in boxer briefs and loafers with only his phone and condoms
Are you in a position where you can bring me some nachos?
I got fucked in a bat mobile this morning. Being slutty rules.
Who did he bring home?
Idk. But did you see her shoe choice by the stairs, I'm really not expecting anything great.
Randomize