So yesterday I was on craigslist and I saw a listing for a sofa-cum-bed. I knew what they meant...
i gained so much weight this year, i put on my string bikini underwear and couldnt see the string anymore! i hate my life.
my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
I got otter pops to cool the beers, it's an all around better idea.
Taking jello shots out of a big bowl from a measuring spoon. holla atcha boy.
Passed out for 3 hrs til now to wake up naked on my bed covered with grass from drunk slip and slide I would call that success
Me. You. Shitty green clothes from Savers that we will dub alligator costumes. Middle of the quad tomorrow at noon. Bring your alligator voice and the pearls before swine comic.
It was dark, she woke me up, gave me a blowjob and then whispered in my ear: do you know who I am?
You know your high, when your chugging applesauce out of the jar with no utensils.
So the TSA can feel me inside and out in front of 40 people, but they catch me fucking in the bathroom 20 feet away and all of a sudden their the decency police
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
I just drank beer out of an old Vicodin bottle hoping to catch some residue. That's how finals week is going
he showed me his third nipple on the first date. I might have low to no standards, but my god.
You need to stop leading guys on at bars - you're a lesbian.
And now I'm a lesbian with better self-esteem.
God damn you Coronavirus! I'm jonesing I got the itch. I would fully satisfy a horse for some Taco Bell or Perkins. God help me I'm going insane but I definitely don't want to get sick.
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