He never called back after I emailed him my booty call contract.
I want you to know that wearing office supplies as jewelry results in waking up with the wrong roommate. Also, strip clubs and vodka don't mix.
There is a banner on a house by campus that says "welcome to college dads. Thanks for dropping off your daughters!"
I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
a commercial for my antidepressant came on and they said you shouldn't take if if you drink right as i took a shot
god is laughing at you again
Can we please not be like these pathetic people in their thirties who only get drunk when they go see Sherrill Crow?
halloween is SO much better on drugs, why didn't anyone let us know about this when we were kids
I just made a steamroller out of a christmas ornament. I feel so festive.
I just had a heart to heart with a stripper I'm becoming a dentist.
At least I remembered to wear a bra. I feel like that's a big accomplishment right now
Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat dat dat dat dat ~uterus contraction~
This is my punishment for trynna have a festive time with a stranger. I always forget you can't get weird with one night stands
You cant use biscuit as a chaser
Now you can NEVER tell anyone that on thanksgiving I took a selfie of my pussy to prove they don't get worse with babies.
I legit measured his penis against my chapstick and it was too close to call. So that was my night.
Randomize
