So when jo picked me up from the bar I kept apologizing and kept telling her "I'm just a wittle donut"
My "High Times" magazine came in today, as well as my girlfriend's new sex toys. We're calling in sick today.
omg i forgot michael madsen was in free willy this is the most epic movement of my stoned life
Last night I got a napkin with 4 names & numbers: Katie, Ellen, Kylie...and Brandon.
Just finished texting the 27th male name in my phone that i don't recognize. none of them were the hott kid i made out with last night. the search continues.
The liquor store was handing out free shots of some new expensive vodka, but they caught on the fourth time we came back in different outfits. Politics.
I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
I made a bet with her that she would show me her tits if I finished my beer. Only on spring break.
I just saw a fat girl roll down the steps taking out three people with her, thought you should know.....
Not genetic. He's drunk and texted me a dick pic. Not genetic. Thank God!
Some nice lady just gave me a beer out of her purse. I love youth hockey
I'm taking a shit break of discontent as a personal protest
Nothing $200 worth of strippers and spicy fried chicken couldn't fix.
I found a new button on my vibrator, tonight was a success
And for some reason every time I get drunk I just want to tell you that I have a mini secret personal fan club of your dick
Randomize
