I wish we could go back in time and find our best farts ever
thank god he doesn't hang out with everyone else i've had sex with
well, yeah, he can't fit the whole neighborhood in his apartment
Let's play a little game called "Chill the Fuck Out" - you're our first contestant
Just got laid for the first time in 3 yrs, 10 mo, 1 wk & 2 days. YESSSS.
he said "you're pretty" then i made out with him. thats all it took
Yea. I think between making the bride puke, feeling up the maid of honor, and sleeping with a bridesmaid. I did my part.
I told him I'd put in a good word. And the word of the day is: NEGATIVE
I think I should advise against you hooking up with a guy that throws "the shocker" up in all of his pictures on facebook. Just sayin.
We had car sex in the parking lot of the dispensery while he blasted Tony Bennett. It was so fucking romantic.
If he thinks that that is an acceptable way to ask me out he is out his goddamn ginger mindddddd.
Remember that time I hopped home naked from the bar, then tried to convince you I was ok to drive you home? Good call on the taxi.
Are you going to eat tacos off the floor again?
There's a lady rapping at me about making healthy food choices. She lives in a refrigerator. This is not okay with me
There's a little game I've come up with since the mess of a party I had; it's called "tinsel or condom wrapper? (or: what's that on the floor?)"
"I mean like shit happens" should never be an excuse for anything
Randomize
