I just noticed that when I sneeze...my nipples get hard.
When I came home you were using a glowstick to eat peanut butter from the jar.
Just walked in on the Yellow Ranger getting porked by a guy in a UD Blue Hen costume. Will somebody PLEASE think of the children.
I passed out in the stadium during the 4th quarter and you guys just left me there?
Yea, but we put money for a cab in your pocket.
Convinced lucas all the eggs in the fridge are fertilized and now he's crying.
I dont care what I am for halloween, as long as i'm not a father after
Well I don't know him that well so I don't think I can give advice. You should make him a cake. Or have sex with him.
Just missed the last train for another 5 hours. There are balls in or around the mouth of my life.
If she's steering anything, it's a religious boat of crazy. Destination: Iceberg.
For my birthday I want you to get me in bed with Donald Trump. That is all. You have 3 months
You kept trying to make people drink "salsa-ritas." But all you did was dump tequila in a half full jar of salsa, and shove it in people's faces while shouting at them.
I was just trying to be a good friend but in retrospect I probably shouldn't have pepper sprayed you.
For dinner, I'm having saltines, canned whipped cream, and beer. Are we sure I'm responsible enough for home ownership?
Excuse you? I'm an asshole at least 90% of the time. Get it right.
Your youporn search history says otherwise.
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